Thursday, October 6, 2011
God, grace, guts.
First Night on Call
It has only been quiet but the quiet has been a loud build up of anxiety. I wait with new eyes and new understanding of the inevitability of our world. I now have a glimpse of the pain that families endure due to tragedy on a daily bases. I have had moments of understanding some of the pain that haunts our cities. I have an opportunity to know the people that we are removed from in daily life. All these feelings come before my first full as a student chaplain.
Our life is background noise so we can avoid the reality of our own lives. We tune out our connections with the world. We busy ourselves from knowing, loving, and helping because we are afraid of the reality of pain that exists in this world.
All this I nervously contemplate while I wait with my enemy and my friend the pager. The pager is my friend because it forces me to rely on God as I wait for its sounding. The hospital forces me to heal my own wounds so that I may be ready to help heal others. This pager has brought me to prayer. It is my enemy because it steals away any sense of control and power. It is my enemy because I so desperately want to sleep, but I cannot. The pager is my friend and my enemy.
The night continues and the pager stares back quietly without making a sound the entire night.